


In A Different Universe

by saltyplaydough



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst and Feels, Gen, M/M, POV Second Person, Some Fluff, you have been warned so don't come crying to me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:40:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23350333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saltyplaydough/pseuds/saltyplaydough
Summary: Some days, parenting feels like a series of failures. No one ever says it’s easy, but no explanation for how hard it is ever seems to adequately cover all the ways in which you can fuck it up.
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Kudos: 20





	In A Different Universe

Some days, parenting feels like a series of failures. No one ever says it’s easy, but no explanation for how hard it is ever seems to adequately cover all the ways in which you can fuck it up. You think: I won’t do it like them. I’ll raise you right, I’ll be there for you, I’ll notice you, I’ll protect you. You think big, but what happens is, you have a child and then life throws you in a loop. You have a child and then life fucks you over and you’ve lost your love, your home, and you’ve driven your child miles away, to a foreign land, for a fresh start. It’s a fresh start for both of us, you say, you hope, but you don’t know. 

And suddenly, your child is screaming “Why won’t you talk about him? I’ve lost him too, you know!” and you want to scream back “Because he left us!” but that would hurt him. You want to _scream_ , but that would hurt the both of you. So you’re left standing there, yet another silent moment between you and your son, watching the face you love grow red and wet and determined. Watching fingers that were tugging on the hem of your shirt for attention not too long ago, fingers you've bandaged and pressed magical healing dad kisses to, swipe away at angry tears. 

You've hurt him anyway.

You’ve spent so long trying to protect him, building walls to keep the hurt, the disappointment out, that you’ve built a wall _between_ you. Because he— _he_ —has taken a chunk of you (he can keep it, you hope he chokes on it), and in keeping him out, you’ve kept yourself out as well. 

Parenting is making all these big choices about what you’d do different, what you’d do better, and then getting hit by life and making little choices everyday, just little ones, just so you can breathe for a second, just so you can think without crying, and then seeing, years later that those decisions have snowballed into something unrecognizable and your son’s running out of the house screaming about how much you’ve ruined his life.

And it makes you think—have you made _any_ right decisions here?

You find your boy by the canal, the one you used to take him to before he got too busy for you.

He knows you’re there. You see him turn his head away, his jaw clenching the way it used to on a different face.

You pull him into your chest, gently, like you always used to do when you wanted to hide him away from the world. 

You feel his shoulders stiffen, unsure of their welcome. It hurts. You did that. You made a choice, a small one, somewhere along the road, and now your son's got his guard up around you.

You squeeze his shoulders, determined, and pull him further in. You smooth your palm down the back of his head, the way you did a lifetime ago when you'd first held him. When you hadn't even known he was yours.

He's as tall as you are now, and you can rest your chin on a scrawny shoulder. You know he'll only get taller.

You tell him, "It's ok, Seb. I've got you," and he slumps into you, hangs off of you, like that was all he needed to hear.

You sit by the canal with your son, leaning against him a little because you think he might need it and because know you do need it. 

"He- your dad. We talked about what we would do when we moved out here, once."

You feel eyes peeking at the side of your face, too scared to make a noise and put an end to what you've started.

"He wasn't… he'd meant it, in a way, but he'd already known then that we wouldn't get to. He just... wanted me to have that, I think." Not a daydream, no. It had alway felt too real for that. Like a memory from a different life. "He'd me to know that he'd wanted it as well."

"Robert," the name catches in your throat, "always tried so hard to make things better for us."

"The two of you would get on, you know." The thought makes him smile. "I wouldn't be able to get a word in," you say, rolling your eyes for show and quietly delighting in the laugh being stifled to your right. "He'd be bursting with pride. You'd have to drag him away from talking the neighbours' ears off about his amazin' son," you tease lightly, catching a turn of a head, and a not-quite-hidden shy smile pushing through. 

You're glad you can give him his own memory to hold on to. You know it's not a lie either; You know Robert, and you know their son.

"Dad?"

"Yeah."

"Is that why you came here? Because of what he'd wanted?"

You don't answer for a long enough time that you hear apologies start to spill out.

"Oi, no, it's Ok, I…" you give him a small smile, probably a little more sad than you mean to. It's all you can muster up right now. "It's been a long time since I've talked about any of this, is all."

Is that why you came here? To hold on to something you'd already lost?

You sling an arm around your boy's shoulders and pull him close enough to smack a loud kiss onto the side of his head. "When did you get so clever, eh?"

A grumbled "I always was, thanks," is what you get, as he pushes away enough to wipe at his head and glare at you for being embarrassing in public.

It's a nice enough day, you decide, to stay out by the canal for a little while longer.

**Author's Note:**

> This is very random and very different from the kind of stuff I would usually write or feel comfortable posting. But it's 6:30am, and the perfect time to be reckless, I guess. So if you've made it to the end, I thank you <3
> 
> Let me know what you think! You can also find me on tumblr at [spamela-hamderson](https://spamela-hamderson.tumblr.com/)


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